November 14th started as a day that I was feeling down because if my natural father had still been alive, he would have turned 76 that day. All day I would have thoughts of how I had never gotten to know him and he had never gotten to know my kids & grandkids.
Then that evening the house phone rang from a number that I didn't recognize. And a message was left - from my youngest brother. Saying that our oldest brother had found our mother dead. Now this was not something I felt bad about - I felt more anger about it. I had made a decision in the fall of 1996 to separate myself not only from my abusive mother, but also from my siblings. At that time not only did I feel that I was being used by my siblings since they only seemed to call me when they needed a babysitter or a loan, but they also were all 3 either involved personally in taking illegal drugs or with people who did or with people who were selling illegal drugs. I didn't want to know for sure, but I knew that in May 1995 my sister's home had been raided, she & her ex - who had moved back in, were arrested and after it was pretty well over, I read the police reports and while I wasn't personally mentioned in them, both my brothers were mentioned. This was pretty frightening to me and helped in my resolve to get out and protect myself and my children / family. Anyway, the message that was left for me the night of November 14th was that our mother had been found dead and if I had any information on burial /life insurance &/or burial plots, I needed to get in touch with them.
Now some might say that was a bad way to leave that message, but I have a feeling that if it hadn't been left that way, I would have just ignored it. Instead I called my youngest brother back & we had a talk for about 45 minutes. He said he would like a chance to be a part of my life again, etc. I explained some of my reasoning to him (I had never explained myself before - just cut ties). I said I would try. I gave him my cell # & I asked that he not share it with anyone else at that time. He said he wouldn't. While I was on the phone with him, the house phone had rung again and another message had been left. That message was from my oldest brother's wife giving me more or less the same information. So I called that # back & at that time, found out that my youngest brother had been driving to town from where he now lives out of town. He told me at that time to deal with him & he would deal with my sister & oldest brother, who were also there & my oldest brother was yelling in the background about burying my mother in my backyard. This was just the latest from him - a year before, he passed me while I was coming out of a store & yelled there goes the b*tch at me. That had shaken me up so much I had to sit in the van shaking & in tears for a while afterwards. He has always had quite a temper & a few years ago had even entered my house after I had told E to tell him to leave - that I had nothing to say to him.
So anyway, those events had me feeling quite nervous about meetings with my siblings. But I got off the phone with my youngest brother and I immediately called the funeral director to let him know that I had a $3,000 burial policy that I had taken out in 1986 after Daddy died and I was joint owner of a burial plot with my mom - which had both been a bone of contention with her!
On Monday I called Fairlawn Cemetery & found that my mom had told them she wanted to be cremated & buried on top of Daddy. I decided that wasn't going to happen without a fight from me since she had been married multiple times since his death & she had told them she wanted to change his stone & his stone is a military stone for his service in the Korean War. I talked with my youngest brother & found that he felt the same way. My sister met me at the funeral home (all 4 kids had to sign for her to be cremated, which also meant we could get it all done except a stone from the policy that I owned). When she & I got there, our oldest brother had already been there & signed for the cremation. My sister said she wasn't certain she wanted to sign for the cremation until I told her that I also didn't know that I felt good about cremation, I was pretty sure I didn't want to have it, but that I had found that our mother had told someone that she wanted cremated and that we could get it done for the money we had. So in the end, she & our youngest brother (who was on the phone with us) said they would go with what I decided. So she & I signed the paper & after the funeral director had the form faxed to our youngest brother, he signed & faxed it back to them. Then they could cremate her for a Wednesday graveside service.
Tuesday I realized that there might not be many plants or anything sent & I was right - only 3. One was sent directly to me & 2 were sent to the funeral home. So I ordered a spray to be there that just said Mom on it & was made with whatever the flower shop had on hand. It turned out nice.
Wednesday morning I was waiting on the florist to arrive with the plant that was being delivered to my home, then I got a call that there was 1 more piece of paper that needed signed at the cemetery, so I went & signed that. Found out while I was there that the woman I was dealing with was married to an old childhood friend that we had lost touch with after his mother passed away in CA. So we chatted a bit about that. Then I came home for D, then back to the cemetery for a 1:30 graveside service. A didn't come home for it because she was completing her degree & graduating in December & it just wasn't feasible for her. E, D & the grandkids were there for me. I was still really nervous about meeting up with my oldest brother - the one with the temper, as I hadn't seen him yet, nor had I talked with him.
I got to the cemetery about 45 minutes before the service was scheduled to begin & some were already there. Including an old friend of my mom's who ended up passing away 2 weeks later from brain cancer. Some that were there, I had no idea who they were, but I tried t greet everyone I did know. My siblings finally arrived about 2 pm. I couldn't believe it, they were actually about 30 minutes late to their own mother's funeral. My youngest brother had told me all along that he was going to bring his daughters since they wanted to come, but that he wouldn't be staying. He did change his mind after talking with an aunt. So all 4 kids were there, but only the youngest didn't sit with the rest of us under the tent. My oldest brother took a bit of time before coming to me to hug me. E in the meantime went to him & told him that his temper frightened me & that E would be keeping an eye on things. Then E stood with his hands on my shoulders for the entire service. Since our mother was no longer attending a church that we knew of, we decided to just allow anyone who wanted, to talk about their memories. All but 1 of the people who spoke said things that were accepted as being in good taste. One person said some things that ruffled some feathers, but like I told all of them - you open it up that way, you need to be willing to accept the bad with the good. E told me several times that if I had anything to say that he would stand up with me while I did, but I told him I didn't. No one there would have wanted to hear about my memories! I can only hope that the bad memories that I have helped some of the grandchildren to have good memories with my mom.
Oh yes, I didn't tell that when we decided to not place Mama in with Daddy, I had said that she could either go into the 2nd plot or we could put her in with her mother which had been another idea I heard she had mentioned. The 4 kids decided that we didn't want to put her next to Daddy since we just remembered the abuse she had heaped on him as well as on us. And I think I figured out why she said she wanted to be buried on Daddy - she thought I didn't own that plot like I did the one that was next to him. But she was wrong. So I called our uncle and he said he was all right with her being buried with their mother. And he went down to the funeral home to sign the papers for that. We will still need to have him sign to replace Grandma's stone with a joint stone for her & Mama, but he says he will do that.
Anyway, I had gotten to thinking that since there was no church involved, there would be no funeral dinner, so maybe if things went all right, I would suggest my taking everyone out for pizza. But my sister's step-daughter from her 1st marriage - who still calls her Mom, decided she didn't want me doing all that, so she arranged a dinner at her house & invited us over there. I still ordered the pizzas & bread sticks for that as well & it's just as well. There were a lot of people who showed up.
After the funeral, my siblings told me that they would like me to also take charge to the finances since I have a better head for it. So I got busy trying to find out all the info I could, changing the mail to my house, etc. I turned off her cell phone, house phone, cable, etc. Found out info on utilities, but didn't turn them off right away. Three weeks later my sister's oldest natural daughter, who had been placed on the deed to the house with my mom nearly a year ago now, still hadn't changed the utilities into her name & decided to get nasty with me. So I turned them all off. Now, because she didn't bother to get heat back into the house, all the water pipes have frozen, but that is on her - she had 3 weeks to get things changed without paying reconnect fees & all she wanted to do was get mouthy, tell me never to contact her again, etc. And it's not even like she is truly inheriting the house - there is a mortgage on it for $6,000 and the house is only worth $5,800 - yes really! It is in a bad part of town & is in extremely bad shape.
I didn't want anything of my mother's to remind me of her in anyway. But I did want pictures, home videos, etc. that she had from my dad & my wedding dress & veil, if it was still existed. I was not getting any cooperation from the granddaughter that was getting the
house, so I went to see a lawyer since I just didn't think there was a
legal reason for me not to get them. About the time I did that, I also
heard that she & her significant other were pawning things from
in the house. Well, to my surprise when I went to see the lawyer, I
found out that the contents of the house didn't belong to her, so I had
the lawyer send her a letter to that effect. The first letter was sent
to my mom's address by mistake, so I asked that it be sent again. She
evidently claimed to my youngest brother when he was trying to get some
things he wanted that she only got 1 letter & that it didn't
include the list of items I wanted. I have gotten a picture of my dad
that was on the wall my entire childhood. Even more, it was on the
bedroom wall of my mom & my step-dad, Daddy's room! But I used
to talk to that picture when I was a kid & was crying after a
beating from my mom & I could have sworn he told me everything
would be all right. I also got my wedding dress & veil, but
don't know if they can be saved or not - it is very yellow & the
lace is ripped, etc. I want to try to do some repairs on it &
then see if the cleaners can do anything with it. I also have been
given a few pictures from my childhood and some pictures from my mom,
step-dad & natural dad's childhoods. My siblings tell me that I
am the most stable one, having lived on the same corner for over 30
years, so they want me to keep them. I am gradually scanning them into
the computer & will give each of them a cd of the pictures. I
also have my step-dad's flag that was over his casket. I plan to buy a
display case for it.We had found that the granddaughter who is getting the house had moved all kinds of things out of the house to try to hide them, putting them into her older sister's basement (the step-daughter who organized the meal after the funeral) and she told me they were there. So I went down & went through it. I took out 3 boxes worth of pictures to bring home. Some family members want to give her back copies of the pictures I took, thinking it will help to keep her from getting angry since they are afraid of her temper. I feel like she doesn't deserve any of it & legally it isn't hers anyway. But I figure once I give them disks, then they can have copies made if they want.
Anyway, then in late December I got a phone call from the local post master telling me that as I had been told at the time in November that I had changed the address for my mom's mail, my sister's oldest natural daughter - the one getting the house - had called him claiming she didn't know why they weren't getting my mom's mail & when he told her I was getting it, that I had no right to it (I had been told if a sibling contested it the mail would be held - not that if any family member contested it -but I can't get him to budge given that it is a grandchild) & so, they weren't going to release the mail to anyone without someone being an executor. After talking with my lawyer, I decided it is not worth charging the estate where there is $500 in bills & the bank account only had $85 and there was $121 left from my burial policy, a $2,000 fee to be appointed executor! So, anyone that owed her a refund & that hadn't already changed the address to mine, is now going to get to keep her money, thanks to this granddaughter! The postmaster said there was 1 way he would release the mail - she & I have to sign a notarized statement saying there is no conflict over it - still don't get how a grandchild, who's parent is living, can cause a conflict, but he says she has a right! Since she won't sign to let it go to me & without the other 3 siblings telling me that they want it to go to her, I won't sign it - we are at a stand-off!
Of course, a part of me wants to create a fuss since I recently have found out that she has gone to the mortgage company, who had changed the address on the mortgage to my address & has had them change it to hers. I feel like saying if she will go sign that paper to release the mail, then I won't create a fuss about that since she is paying it, but it feels wrong that she was able to do it since that is messing with something that was addressed to my address, not to my mother's! But so far, I am going to let it go. I nearly have enough money to pay the last bills now, except for the stone & I personally don't care if the stone ever gets changed. I have put in $3,000 and to date the only sibling that has put in anything is my sister - $20.
And that is the sad state of affairs concerning my mother's death.
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